Loving My Personality

Dear Libra’s Balance Readers,

As I head into 2021, I want to use this blog, among other things, to serve as a personal growth space for me. I simply want to be able to look back and physically read about not only my challenges but also the work I’ve put in to move forward.

This means I will work to answer some basic questions about myself. If you feel so inclined, I invite you to do the same and you can feel free to comment below as well – if your kind – even if you disagree with something I’ve written.

What are some things you love about your personality?

I must admit, this prompt is a little difficult for me because I don’t like to talk about myself all that much. Since I’m working on improvement, I guess I need to answer, right?!

I’m able to look at different sides of an issue.

I believe that no one does something just to be doing it. There is an underlying reason, good or bad, that we do the things we do. I want to dig into those reasons with people to learn how to interact with them.

I love to laugh.

I’ve been told that I’ve got a boisterous giggle, (yeah, make those two words fit together), that makes other people feel good and want to join in the fun! Often in my pictures, the first things people comment on are my smile and the fact that I’m looking extremely happy. As a matter of fact, most people say something along the lines of, “Damn, what had you so happy,” or “Damn, happy much?”

I’m trustworthy.

When people come to me in confidence, I don’t go sharing it to the whole world. Even if I believe someone has wronged me, I don’t think the confidence they placed in me goes out the window.

I remember.

Okay, I don’t always remember birthdates and anniversaries and things like that. What I do learn about people is their essence – that inner-most part of them. The energy or spirit. I usually can connect with that part of a person and develop a spirit connection.

Hey, I guess there are some areas about myself that I’m profoundly grateful for! This was a great start to my day.

What are some things about your personality that you like? I would love to hear some good positive self-talk from you!

Love and Light!

Who Are You

Hey there Libras Balance Readers,

As I write this, I really hope you are enjoying the holiday season – in spite of everything that 2020 has thrown our way. I just finished reading a blog post that inspired me so I had to come here to put my stank on it and make it mine.

Who Am I?

Seems like a really straightforward question doesn’t it?

Not so. In this world we’ve been taught to answer this in a superficial way. We answer with what job we do; where we live; our hobbies and so forth. None of those answers gets to who we truly are.

Is it a wonder that in this reality that we have so much access to people and many of us feel lonelier than before we started using social media apps like Facebook, Twitter and others?

We began “typing in soundbites rather than talking to communicate our needs, wants and desires with one another.

Even with the COVID-19 pandemic, using these social media tools doesn’t allow us to share, in a meaningful way, how we’re doing. It does allow us to put on a front that helps us go further down the rabbit-hole of despair.

It stops today

I want to get to know you – the real you! I would like to invite you to join my new Facebook group where we will talk about intentional holistic wellness and really get down to the nitty gritty of answering this question, along with others, as we go into the new year with intention.

Do you have an affirmation that works for you? Have you read a book that inspired you to greatness? Has 2020 left you feeling down and you want to interact with affirming folks that want to build up and not tear down? Well, this may be the sacred space for you! Hope to see you on the inside…

Love and Light!

Warped Beginning‘s

I’ve been very intentional as it relates to my journey of healing over the past three years (as of the writing of this post. In my head, it sounds like a constant refrain. I’ve tried to be more open to a broader audience so I could stop living in the fear of not appearing to be the stereotypical view of silent strength that many men of color are taught to prescribe to and I want to let others know that keeping these things bottled up can only hurt us in the long run.

Check out the following short clip from The Fresh Prince and I’ll be sure to continue my thoughts beneath.

I just had to take a moment before finishing this post. It’s still a hard clip for me to look at.

I carried the character’s feelings – abandonment, not feeling as though I’m good enough, anger and a broken spirit – with me for years. To a certain extent, I still do.

When folks hear me talk about my journey of healing, this is where it all starts.

I was soon to be 11 years old when our family dynamics changed irreparably – our unit changed, never to be the same again. I internalized much of that. I won’t go into the gritty details in this post because this is about my journey and no one else’s.

I’m now 41 — between the start of what I view as the beginning of things through the time when I started walking my path, that’s nearly 30 years of my life. I just grew tired of being stuck in a rut; hitting the gas pedal and not being able to move forward. I was tired of relationships (whether romantic or on a friendship level) not being as open as they could be. I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know that I was broken emotionally. I held a warped sense of who I was. I became an over-achiever – student government, preaching at a young age, not trying to not cause issues for my mom. I also grew to be distant because that was my way of numbing the pain I felt.

Did I understand what I was doing at the time? Absolutely not.

As the old saying goes, “If only I knew then what I know now…”

People are naturally drawn to me but I would hold relationships at a certain distance. I would build that wall so high, dig a mote around it, place alligators and sharks in the water, put up some barbed wire fencing, and on and on. Then I would stand a few football fields back and smile and wave and I thought I had it all under control.

I thought I was protecting myself. In the end, I wasn’t allowing any of the comfort, companionship, love and sense of belonging I was searching for to enter because I had set up so many booby traps — but I did have a fucking smile on my face – looking crazy as all get out.

A significant relationship ended for me about three years ago – partly due to my issues and in a big part because of the other person’s honesty and loyalty. For whatever reason, the lightbulb turned on and I thought I needed to make a change.

I started participating in counseling and began explaining to folks that my past actions touched what was wrong emotionally on my end. I didn’t always get the results that I wanted but everyone is on their own journey and I have no control over that.

BTW, that’s also an issue I’ve had – I wanted to fix everything for people.

My healing was put to the test recently as it relates to friendship and romantic partner. To make a long story short – I reached out to trusted people, shared my grief, approached counseling and was able to pull myself out from wanting to retreat behind the wall with the mote!

It may not sound like much but I’m so proud of this!! I’m practicing what I preach. Has it been perfect? Hell no! But it’s a hell of a lot better than what I used to do.

I will always look at the world through the eyes of Will Smith’s character above. The difference now is that I have gained tools to handle it in a better way and demand that I be treated in a better way.

Love and light!

The Evidence of Emotional Healing

This journey of healing has been fraught with U-turns, left turns and baby steps.  In the end, while I’m still making progress, I believe I’m making forward movement, finally!

 

Recently, I came across a person that I thought there was an instant energetic connection – our conversations were on point, our thoughts about life were similar and we seemed to want the same thing.  I was joyful at having met someone that was on the equivalent path in life of wanting to find a friend, a partner, a sacred space.  We talked for a few months before actually meeting, in light of this COVID-19 pandemic, but that was okay.  It allowed us more time to get to know one another.

 

I want to take a quick pause here and point out that I try not to think hostile thoughts about anyone that I open up to.  It’s important to me that I learn something from every connection I have.  I also realize that folks have their own pain that they’re dealing with and I honor that.  In the past, when I’ve been hurt, I’ve buried those emotions deep and ignored them to my own detriment. 

 

I CANNOT DO THAT ANYMORE!!

 

While I understand that each one of us is on some type of journey, I have to call bullshit when I see it – especially when someone handles me the wrong way unnecessarily.

 

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming…

 

This person visited me for my birthday and I could sense there was something different as soon as they walked through the door.  The “energetic connection” was no longer there.  I brought this up rather quickly in the visit and I began getting the language run-around.  This is when someone tries to talk to you without saying the truth.

 

I don’t want this post to turn into a rundown of this person so I will say that they were not honest with me and tried to use our shared interest of enlightenment to get around being truthful with me.

 

I know that I’m leaving out all of the juicy stuff – and trust, there is quite a bit of that – but I’m more interested in sharing something I learned about myself.

 

What did I learn?

 

·         I’ve made it further on the continuing road to healing than I thought I had!!

 

We can do all the meditation, yoga and Pilates and counseling we want.  Until we get to put everything we’ve learned into practice, we’ve only learned theory.

 

This situation has forced me to realize that I took in a lot during my knowledge gathering.   I’m truly happy for that!

 

This didn’t mean that I wasn’t, and continue to be, disappointed or mean I can’t grieve for the loss of what could have been.  It does mean, however that my automatic reaction was not to retreat and put my feelings six feet under and ignore them and pretend that nothing was wrong.  I was able to work through my feelings of anger faster and in a more constructive way – mainly in dealing with how I can improve.  Another important thing is that I didn’t fight to try to fix someone that isn’t fighting to fix themselves.  That is not my responsibility – it is theirs and theirs alone.

 

One day if this person wants to be a friend, I think I will be able to be open to that.  But if they don’t, I’m finally able to realize that it would be their loss if they don’t – and I’m okay with that!

 

PS – How have you dealt with disappointment?  I’m still learning and would welcome firsthand, constructive thoughts on this.

 

Love and Light! 

Imperfect Perfection

I’m riding, for the first time, from the WordPress app! 🥳

Why is this such a big, damn deal? My answer is simple. I’m tired of writing, re-writing and ultimately not making anything public because it’s not perfect. I simply want to give my authentic voice on things that matter to me… On things that I care about. all in All, I want to give you the real me!! Now, sometimes

I Will still write from the computer on more detailed topics but I think this is going to work for me.

I’ve been walking on my journey of healing in a very intentional way for the past three years. When the COVID-19 pandemic hit and really settled in, it forced me, like so many others, to sit with myself with no distractions. At times, this became very uncomfortable for me — sitting and working through some of the trauma in life.

But I’m still fucking standing!!! 🤗

You’re going to learn a lot about me. Just typing that scares the shit out of me but it’s time that I’ve become a little bit more vulnerable to allow more people of goodwill in. I want to have real discussions, real debates, real conversations about a range of things — anxiety, confidence, feelings of worth, happiness, laughter, struggles, successes, The human existence. The only way that will happen, at least for me, is to open up.

I hope I can meet new people for friendship, chat buddies and who knows, maybe even that all elusive partner! 🥰

Here’s to the start of something wonderful!!

PS — If you wouldn’t mind, tell me a little bit about yourself in the comments below and if you already have some type of relationship with me, feel free to ask something you’ve been wanting to know about me. You could have the next idea for a blog post…

Love and Light! 😁

Introvert… Who Me?

One of my friends and I were talking about personality traits and he sent me the video below. Take a look and I’ll continue my thoughts afterward.

 

This video freaked me the hell out!

 

OK, it wasn’t nearly that bad but after reviewing it a couple of times, some things about me made perfect sense…at least in explaining it to people in the future. Below, I’ll put the things that really stood out to me:

 

  • Needing to recharge after spending time with people

 

I really like to spend time with folks but after I’m done, I need recuperation time – quite a bit of it! Many of my friends and partners over the years did not understand this part of me – heck, I didn’t understand it myself.

 

If I don’t get that time to re-set myself, I feel out of balance and I’m not as nice of a person as I know I can be.

 

  • Being calm during fights

 

I try not to get into arguments much but over the years I’ve always heard, “You don’t care,” or “You’re so nonchalant about this…” I never tied that into a trait related to me being a loner.

 

It’s not that I don’t care – again, it takes me off balance and I don’t like that feeling.

 

  • Being kind towards others

 

This one has gotten me into trouble. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, even when they piss me off. Unfortunately, many view this as a weakness in today’s society and they try to push you to see how far they can get. Most times, especially since I’ve gotten older, they’re not allowed to push very far at all.

 

What do you think of the video? Share your thoughts and whether anything stood out to you about yourself or someone you know.

Regret

Have you ever heard someone say, “I don’t regret anything that’s ever happened to me because it made me who I am today…”?

 

Well, between you and me and the four corners of this blog – I think that’s a load of crap.  Who can honestly travel life’s journey and not feel regret about anything whatsoever?  Maybe someone who doesn’t understand what the definition of regret is?

 

Regret (Noun) – feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened

 

I don’t know about you but there’s plenty of “stuff” that I have some form of regret for over the span of my lifetime.

 

I think the single major thing I have regret for is not working on forgiveness towards my father.  I won’t delve into why there would need to be reconciliation, but I can certainly share that my not working on it has caused tremendous pain for me over time.

 

While I believe that I’ve turned out to be a pretty decent guy, I couldn’t work on my feelings of abandonment and depression until recent history through therapy/counseling.  That wasn’t fair to me, first, and it wasn’t fair to the people I was in relationship with over the years – whether family, friend or significant other.  I would either be all in or placing that wide-open space because I just knew that if someone that helped in my creation could make me feel that way, why wouldn’t someone else do the same?

 

I truly have remorse for this.

 

Has it stopped me from growing?  Absolutely not but I can recognize my own failings and continue to learn and grow with each passing day.

 

I guess you can say, “I’m a work in progress…”

 

Is there something you have regret for in your life?  Have any thoughts for me that you can share?  Give your advice or what worked for you in the comments.

 

Thanks for reading this rambling entry!

The First 40 Years

I turned 40 years old back on October 11, and I’ve been trying to think of a way to mark that occasion here on the blog.  Would I start a new series of posts or reflect on a variety of things?

 

I think the answer is – Yes, both please!

 

I’m not even sure why I’ve put as much significance on this random birth marker, but I have…so I’m going to go with it and use it for some content!

 

Author’s note:  Remember, I’ve just started this blog so there will be quite a bit of experimenting here – and I promise I won’t delete the failures.  After all, I may look back one day and decide this blog entry should go into a future book or something…

 

What I’ve learned in my first 40 years

  1. Drink plenty of water – it will keep you hydrated and make you look younger than your years (See my picture on the home page)
  2. Friends will come and go – the ones who are worth longevity will still be around through it all. That’s not to say there won’t be times that there is a lull in the friendship, but they will be there when it counts.
  3. Life happens – there’s going to be curve balls for sure! You can’t let it destroy you.  You either keep living and roll with the punches or not.
  4. Do good in the world – to your ability, not what you think will get you the most attention.
  5. Learn to say, “No!” I’m still working on this one…
  6. Take time each day to move – try Pilates or yoga. I love Pilates and the added benefit is that it makes my thighs and ass look good.  Just saying…
  7. Don’t be afraid to get counseling – we all go through stuff on this journey and sometimes we need to release it, or it will make us not enjoy what we have.
  8. At the end of the day, you are the only one that has to live with you – it’s OK to talk to folks to get their advice but only you have to live with your decisions (Note: I’m a single guy with no kids…)
  9. Don’t be afraid to laugh out loud!
  10. Keep living…

 

So, what do you think?  I would love to read your comments below.  While you’re there, can you share some things you’ve learned along the way?  I’m still learning myself…

 

Thanks for reading!

I Write Because…

Desk

“That is why I write — to try to turn sadness into longing, solitude into remembrance.”
— Paulo Coelho

 

When I sat and began to mull over the reasons why I wanted to start The Libra’s Balance, it all came down to the quote above.

 

I would consider myself to be a loner, except for when my creative juices begin flowing.  When I write a speech that I must deliver, something stirs within me that changes my entire nature. I compare it to the stories I’ve read about comedians.  From what I understand, they’re always thinking and are calm in most instances – except for when they’re on the stage. That’s when their behavior explodes!

 

That’s what it’s like for me when I write.

 

When I became an “adult,” I became engrossed in developing my career and didn’t take as much time to creatively write for the joy of writing.  Writing instead simply became a chore of what I did to earn an income – causing it to lose the excitement I once held for the art.

 

I wanted to regain that pleasurable sense so for my 40th birthday last month, I decided that I was going to sincerely make every effort to creatively write again!

 

What better way to do that than to have a blog?

 

I can connect with folks of every stripe and publicly hold myself accountable to rehabilitate the desire needed to run this marathon.

 

Hopefully, I can get your help!

 

So, what do you think?  Is your story like mine?  Why do you write?  I’d love to learn…