Feeling a Little Blue

Dear Librans,

Today is such a weird day for me…

On one hand, I’ve been getting some interesting cases at work that will allow me to think outside the box for my clients; I’ve been finding some really great books to add to my “Want to Read” list for this year and I’m going to participate in a 6-week training course that I’ve been eager to take part in.

But on the other hand, today I started to feel very lonely.

I’m having such a lack of human contact that it feels as though I’m being crushed by it. Ordinarily, I hold myself out to be an introvert. With the self-quarantine though, sometimes it gets to me.

I’m tired of talking on the phone and over Zoom and looking at the four walls. I feel a bit sad today.

Logically, I know that everyday can’t be peaches and cream but when this feeling hits, especially during this pandemic, it really hits.

This is not going to be a long post today. I just want to ask, “Do you deal with pandemic loneliness? If so, what are some practical things you do to get over that hump?

I’m eager to hear from you. Love and Light!

Maintaining Boundaries

Dear Librans,

As I’m writing this, I’ve finished working for the day. Mondays are normally hectic for me but lately I’ve been trying to go to sleep at a reasonable hour on Sunday nights. It helps when I have my life coach classes because when I’m done, I’m really done for the day.

I’ve also started telling myself when I feel tired or distracted, “You’re wide awake and super excited!”

I’ll admit that this doesn’t always work but it does so enough that I know it’s helping. Baby steps, right?!

Well, something I’ve been working on is maintaining my boundaries. I believe, as a Libra, I must feel like I’m in balance or as close to it as possible. When people, things or events keep pushing me outside my balance area of where I not only feel comfortable but can also function, I’ve had to start really sticking to my boundaries.

This is not always easy for me.

I’ve not talked to a friend physically/virtually in a little more than a week because they pushed me outside of the area that was comfortable for me – especially since I was already dealing with something. They wanted to go on about a topic even though I said twice that I was done with the conversation. They didn’t like that, and they hung up the phone on me.

What was amazing, in the moment and even now, is that I immediately felt a load lift when the call was ended. I felt in alignment again. Of course, I don’t want anyone upset with me but in the end, if someone refuses to give me the space to breathe, there’s something wrong with that in my reality. They may feel the total opposite from me and that’s more than okay. I tried to talk it out and explain but they didn’t want to.

I’m not even opposed to them calling when they do want to talk calmly – even if we don’t agree ultimately. But I’m no longer the guy that will be denied my truth.

Look, I believe there’s an underlying reason that each of us do the things we do. We aren’t always cognizant of those reasons, but the reasons are always there. Therefore, I try hard to not write people off as useless, etc. But from now on, when I share with folks that I’m done – in the moment or a bit longer – they must listen. I can’t have a fast heartbeat from situations that don’t make sense to me.

I’m done with that mode of life…

Love and Light!

P.S. What are some things you’re working on for yourself? How do you keep it going when you want to fall back into those habits you’re trying to grow out of?

Giving Myself Some Grace

Dear Librans,

It’s been a few days since I last sat down to write. I went “back to work” after the holidays this week. My job typically shuts down for the week between Christmas eve and the new year. I decided to take the day before and after as additional days this time and it felt really good – I needed the break to just relax my mind as much as I could.

The first day back I felt really great and I started hitting my wall on Wednesday. I had already gotten out of the habit of being on a schedule. I plan on using the weekend to do some writing, playing with my little pocket dog and reading a couple of books.

I have to admit that this week also hasn’t felt great because I let the energy of what happened in Washington, D.C. get to me and I believe it zapped some of my spirit. I started reading more about the COVID-19 variants as well and it renewed some unease for me.

I didn’t stick to my strategy to start and end each day with meditation and stretching or doing Pilates during the day because I was thrown off my game plan.

I’m giving myself some grace though. Things don’t always have to go perfectly and according to plan. Sometimes, no matter how well laid out we try to make things happen, we just have to get off the trail and wind our way back and start walking again.

This week wasn’t totally horrible either. I’m part of a group where the focus is energetic attraction and there is a 6-week course that’s being offered and I believe it’s affordable for me. I’m going to take the course and I’m sure I’ll be writing more about my experiences. I’m actually pretty excited about this!

I’ve also been reading a bit more about essential oils and diffusing daily to find various oils I like. I’m so into this that I think I will start blogging about it in a real way.

Before I end this entry, I just want to say that I hope you’re having a good start to 2021. Even if things are not going so well right now, I hope they get better for you. Just keep pushing forward – even if you have to take baby steps – and at some point you’re going to look back and see that you’ve moved farther than where you were at first!

Let’s practice giving ourselves some grace throughout the year.

Love and Light!

P.S. How did your first week of the year go? Any successes or challenges?

Being Present and 2021

Dear Libra’s Balance Readers,

I genuinely hope that this Saturday is already going better for you than you expected! I love waking up in a fantastic mood, don’t you?

I’ve just made a decision for this blog – from now on when I’m writing anything under my personal category, I’m going to start with, “Dear Librans,” rather than “Dear Libra’s Balance Readers.” It feels so much more friendly to me. I’m not sure why I wrote that other than the fact it was on my mind in the moment. But alas, I digress…

I’ve been reading tons of 2021 blog entries with the themes of mindfulness, resolutions, remembering 2020, etc. I’ve loved them all but something hit home for me as I slept…

Be present in 2021!

Now I normally try to do this anyway but with the myriad of posts I’ve been reading, many focused on why resolutions don’t work and I didn’t come across an equal number talking about how they can be successful. Hence my unconscious stream of thought to be in the present.

We simply have to change the manner in which we think of life – being present in the moment and not focusing on next week, or next month, or next year – when it comes to these resolutions. Just worry about right now, this very moment.

This of course means that we have to change the language we use. Rather than saying, “I will get my finances together in 2021,” we should say, “I am already seeing increase in my finances…”

Our brains are wonderful muscles aren’t they? If we tell ourselves enough times that something is, then it will be!!

What are your thoughts about being present to be successful with your Resolutions? Even though this is not a brand new idea in the world of mindfulness, I would love to read your thoughts on whether this is a practice you already do or are willing to try. Which resolutions come to mind for you?

Love and Light!

Loving My Personality

Dear Libra’s Balance Readers,

As I head into 2021, I want to use this blog, among other things, to serve as a personal growth space for me. I simply want to be able to look back and physically read about not only my challenges but also the work I’ve put in to move forward.

This means I will work to answer some basic questions about myself. If you feel so inclined, I invite you to do the same and you can feel free to comment below as well – if your kind – even if you disagree with something I’ve written.

What are some things you love about your personality?

I must admit, this prompt is a little difficult for me because I don’t like to talk about myself all that much. Since I’m working on improvement, I guess I need to answer, right?!

I’m able to look at different sides of an issue.

I believe that no one does something just to be doing it. There is an underlying reason, good or bad, that we do the things we do. I want to dig into those reasons with people to learn how to interact with them.

I love to laugh.

I’ve been told that I’ve got a boisterous giggle, (yeah, make those two words fit together), that makes other people feel good and want to join in the fun! Often in my pictures, the first things people comment on are my smile and the fact that I’m looking extremely happy. As a matter of fact, most people say something along the lines of, “Damn, what had you so happy,” or “Damn, happy much?”

I’m trustworthy.

When people come to me in confidence, I don’t go sharing it to the whole world. Even if I believe someone has wronged me, I don’t think the confidence they placed in me goes out the window.

I remember.

Okay, I don’t always remember birthdates and anniversaries and things like that. What I do learn about people is their essence – that inner-most part of them. The energy or spirit. I usually can connect with that part of a person and develop a spirit connection.

Hey, I guess there are some areas about myself that I’m profoundly grateful for! This was a great start to my day.

What are some things about your personality that you like? I would love to hear some good positive self-talk from you!

Love and Light!

Who Are You

Hey there Libras Balance Readers,

As I write this, I really hope you are enjoying the holiday season – in spite of everything that 2020 has thrown our way. I just finished reading a blog post that inspired me so I had to come here to put my stank on it and make it mine.

Who Am I?

Seems like a really straightforward question doesn’t it?

Not so. In this world we’ve been taught to answer this in a superficial way. We answer with what job we do; where we live; our hobbies and so forth. None of those answers gets to who we truly are.

Is it a wonder that in this reality that we have so much access to people and many of us feel lonelier than before we started using social media apps like Facebook, Twitter and others?

We began “typing in soundbites rather than talking to communicate our needs, wants and desires with one another.

Even with the COVID-19 pandemic, using these social media tools doesn’t allow us to share, in a meaningful way, how we’re doing. It does allow us to put on a front that helps us go further down the rabbit-hole of despair.

It stops today

I want to get to know you – the real you! I would like to invite you to join my new Facebook group where we will talk about intentional holistic wellness and really get down to the nitty gritty of answering this question, along with others, as we go into the new year with intention.

Do you have an affirmation that works for you? Have you read a book that inspired you to greatness? Has 2020 left you feeling down and you want to interact with affirming folks that want to build up and not tear down? Well, this may be the sacred space for you! Hope to see you on the inside…

Love and Light!

Warped Beginning‘s

I’ve been very intentional as it relates to my journey of healing over the past three years (as of the writing of this post. In my head, it sounds like a constant refrain. I’ve tried to be more open to a broader audience so I could stop living in the fear of not appearing to be the stereotypical view of silent strength that many men of color are taught to prescribe to and I want to let others know that keeping these things bottled up can only hurt us in the long run.

Check out the following short clip from The Fresh Prince and I’ll be sure to continue my thoughts beneath.

I just had to take a moment before finishing this post. It’s still a hard clip for me to look at.

I carried the character’s feelings – abandonment, not feeling as though I’m good enough, anger and a broken spirit – with me for years. To a certain extent, I still do.

When folks hear me talk about my journey of healing, this is where it all starts.

I was soon to be 11 years old when our family dynamics changed irreparably – our unit changed, never to be the same again. I internalized much of that. I won’t go into the gritty details in this post because this is about my journey and no one else’s.

I’m now 41 — between the start of what I view as the beginning of things through the time when I started walking my path, that’s nearly 30 years of my life. I just grew tired of being stuck in a rut; hitting the gas pedal and not being able to move forward. I was tired of relationships (whether romantic or on a friendship level) not being as open as they could be. I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know that I was broken emotionally. I held a warped sense of who I was. I became an over-achiever – student government, preaching at a young age, not trying to not cause issues for my mom. I also grew to be distant because that was my way of numbing the pain I felt.

Did I understand what I was doing at the time? Absolutely not.

As the old saying goes, “If only I knew then what I know now…”

People are naturally drawn to me but I would hold relationships at a certain distance. I would build that wall so high, dig a mote around it, place alligators and sharks in the water, put up some barbed wire fencing, and on and on. Then I would stand a few football fields back and smile and wave and I thought I had it all under control.

I thought I was protecting myself. In the end, I wasn’t allowing any of the comfort, companionship, love and sense of belonging I was searching for to enter because I had set up so many booby traps — but I did have a fucking smile on my face – looking crazy as all get out.

A significant relationship ended for me about three years ago – partly due to my issues and in a big part because of the other person’s honesty and loyalty. For whatever reason, the lightbulb turned on and I thought I needed to make a change.

I started participating in counseling and began explaining to folks that my past actions touched what was wrong emotionally on my end. I didn’t always get the results that I wanted but everyone is on their own journey and I have no control over that.

BTW, that’s also an issue I’ve had – I wanted to fix everything for people.

My healing was put to the test recently as it relates to friendship and romantic partner. To make a long story short – I reached out to trusted people, shared my grief, approached counseling and was able to pull myself out from wanting to retreat behind the wall with the mote!

It may not sound like much but I’m so proud of this!! I’m practicing what I preach. Has it been perfect? Hell no! But it’s a hell of a lot better than what I used to do.

I will always look at the world through the eyes of Will Smith’s character above. The difference now is that I have gained tools to handle it in a better way and demand that I be treated in a better way.

Love and light!

The Evidence of Emotional Healing

This journey of healing has been fraught with U-turns, left turns and baby steps.  In the end, while I’m still making progress, I believe I’m making forward movement, finally!

 

Recently, I came across a person that I thought there was an instant energetic connection – our conversations were on point, our thoughts about life were similar and we seemed to want the same thing.  I was joyful at having met someone that was on the equivalent path in life of wanting to find a friend, a partner, a sacred space.  We talked for a few months before actually meeting, in light of this COVID-19 pandemic, but that was okay.  It allowed us more time to get to know one another.

 

I want to take a quick pause here and point out that I try not to think hostile thoughts about anyone that I open up to.  It’s important to me that I learn something from every connection I have.  I also realize that folks have their own pain that they’re dealing with and I honor that.  In the past, when I’ve been hurt, I’ve buried those emotions deep and ignored them to my own detriment. 

 

I CANNOT DO THAT ANYMORE!!

 

While I understand that each one of us is on some type of journey, I have to call bullshit when I see it – especially when someone handles me the wrong way unnecessarily.

 

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming…

 

This person visited me for my birthday and I could sense there was something different as soon as they walked through the door.  The “energetic connection” was no longer there.  I brought this up rather quickly in the visit and I began getting the language run-around.  This is when someone tries to talk to you without saying the truth.

 

I don’t want this post to turn into a rundown of this person so I will say that they were not honest with me and tried to use our shared interest of enlightenment to get around being truthful with me.

 

I know that I’m leaving out all of the juicy stuff – and trust, there is quite a bit of that – but I’m more interested in sharing something I learned about myself.

 

What did I learn?

 

·         I’ve made it further on the continuing road to healing than I thought I had!!

 

We can do all the meditation, yoga and Pilates and counseling we want.  Until we get to put everything we’ve learned into practice, we’ve only learned theory.

 

This situation has forced me to realize that I took in a lot during my knowledge gathering.   I’m truly happy for that!

 

This didn’t mean that I wasn’t, and continue to be, disappointed or mean I can’t grieve for the loss of what could have been.  It does mean, however that my automatic reaction was not to retreat and put my feelings six feet under and ignore them and pretend that nothing was wrong.  I was able to work through my feelings of anger faster and in a more constructive way – mainly in dealing with how I can improve.  Another important thing is that I didn’t fight to try to fix someone that isn’t fighting to fix themselves.  That is not my responsibility – it is theirs and theirs alone.

 

One day if this person wants to be a friend, I think I will be able to be open to that.  But if they don’t, I’m finally able to realize that it would be their loss if they don’t – and I’m okay with that!

 

PS – How have you dealt with disappointment?  I’m still learning and would welcome firsthand, constructive thoughts on this.

 

Love and Light! 

Imperfect Perfection

I’m riding, for the first time, from the WordPress app! 🥳

Why is this such a big, damn deal? My answer is simple. I’m tired of writing, re-writing and ultimately not making anything public because it’s not perfect. I simply want to give my authentic voice on things that matter to me… On things that I care about. all in All, I want to give you the real me!! Now, sometimes

I Will still write from the computer on more detailed topics but I think this is going to work for me.

I’ve been walking on my journey of healing in a very intentional way for the past three years. When the COVID-19 pandemic hit and really settled in, it forced me, like so many others, to sit with myself with no distractions. At times, this became very uncomfortable for me — sitting and working through some of the trauma in life.

But I’m still fucking standing!!! 🤗

You’re going to learn a lot about me. Just typing that scares the shit out of me but it’s time that I’ve become a little bit more vulnerable to allow more people of goodwill in. I want to have real discussions, real debates, real conversations about a range of things — anxiety, confidence, feelings of worth, happiness, laughter, struggles, successes, The human existence. The only way that will happen, at least for me, is to open up.

I hope I can meet new people for friendship, chat buddies and who knows, maybe even that all elusive partner! 🥰

Here’s to the start of something wonderful!!

PS — If you wouldn’t mind, tell me a little bit about yourself in the comments below and if you already have some type of relationship with me, feel free to ask something you’ve been wanting to know about me. You could have the next idea for a blog post…

Love and Light! 😁

Introvert… Who Me?

One of my friends and I were talking about personality traits and he sent me the video below. Take a look and I’ll continue my thoughts afterward.

 

This video freaked me the hell out!

 

OK, it wasn’t nearly that bad but after reviewing it a couple of times, some things about me made perfect sense…at least in explaining it to people in the future. Below, I’ll put the things that really stood out to me:

 

  • Needing to recharge after spending time with people

 

I really like to spend time with folks but after I’m done, I need recuperation time – quite a bit of it! Many of my friends and partners over the years did not understand this part of me – heck, I didn’t understand it myself.

 

If I don’t get that time to re-set myself, I feel out of balance and I’m not as nice of a person as I know I can be.

 

  • Being calm during fights

 

I try not to get into arguments much but over the years I’ve always heard, “You don’t care,” or “You’re so nonchalant about this…” I never tied that into a trait related to me being a loner.

 

It’s not that I don’t care – again, it takes me off balance and I don’t like that feeling.

 

  • Being kind towards others

 

This one has gotten me into trouble. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, even when they piss me off. Unfortunately, many view this as a weakness in today’s society and they try to push you to see how far they can get. Most times, especially since I’ve gotten older, they’re not allowed to push very far at all.

 

What do you think of the video? Share your thoughts and whether anything stood out to you about yourself or someone you know.